Clause #66 - She's ALWAYS In Love and The Lover's Holocaust

This one goes out to any one of you who has a Myspace/Facebook profile and are able to witness the codependent monotony that I like to call The Lover's Holocaust. I've been unfortunate enough to see a few of these cases in my days here on planet Earth, and you all know exactly what I'm talking about.

It's that certain person's profile that says no matter who they are dating, they are The One. They are seriously in love, and they want to tell you all about it. I always wondered: How is every boyfriend The One?? I mean obviously you had to be wrong about every dude before that, right? Yes that's right, unless they all are The One. Even then they wouldn't be an The ENTIRE One; Instead more like fractions of The One. I don't know about you, but I'd have a big problem being 2/5 of The One.

These people might leave 10-20 comments a day on their lover's profile just to affirm that in this 5 minute time block: I still love you. IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING what happened in the last 5 minutes.. maybe I changed my mind? Nope, I still love you and you are my snookems. These people are the type that go to Sears and get crappy pictures of them kissing and blah blah blah on the second week of their unconvincing "relationship". They might have stuff on their profile that says something like, "My love for you is a journey; starting at forever and ending at never". They probably have more pictures on their online profiles of the two of them together than they have of themselves individually. Disgusting.

Let's define codepentent/codependence for good measure:

co·de·pend·ent: –adjective

1.	of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

That being said, I think it's easy for all of us to identify that there hasn't really beeen any seriously long gaps of singledom in this person's recent life. Maybe they're just THAT LUCKY to meet The One every time they go to the grocery store... nope, wrong again. This is a disease and I'm tired of seeing it. If you're that in love with snookems, then go ahead and delete me, because I won't condone that garbage. Losing all your individuality isn't a high priority in my amazing list of priorities. And being wrapped up with skeeze after skeeze just makes you look bad.

Just Sayin' -T



ps. Yes, that is a picture of me throwing up after too many beer bongs of Natural Light in college. I feel as though it's the only way for me to fully convey my unweddable disgust for this thing.

And yes, it's way more fun for me to just put pictures of myself on this blog. It's mine. I can do what I want. -T

Suggestions, Comments, Conundrums...

I'd like to take this opportunity to open the floor for suggestions and comments to Man Clauses. Basically, if there's something you'd like to tell me off the air, please send it to: manclauses@gmail.com

We appreciate all feedback and would love to make the site better. Right now we're working on a smooth looking RSS feed as well as some other cool stuff.

Stay tuned and thanks for reading,

Tyler and Jeff

Clause #23 - sHe wRiTeZ LyKe tHiZ and the Retarded Tingles

Ok this one goes without saying... if you feel the need to capitalize every other letter in everything you write, then I'll completely blow you off every time. There is no salvation for your wretched soul and even if you repented, God would not shun you from His wrath. Your non existent IQ and dignity is next to the unborn fetus in the dumpster somewhere off Compton Blvd. If you ask me for sympathy, you can shove it. If you ask God for grace, I'm pretty sure He will tell you to get bent.

What is this meant to accomplish? Is it like wildstyle graffiti for keyboards? Typing like that makes your words more difficult to read and honestly, it hurts my eyes. So just off yourself. Use a gun. Run into a knife. Have anal sex with Courtney Love... whatever it takes. Just don't infect my planet anymore with your cataclysmal grammar.

I get what me and my friends like to call the "RETARDED TINGLES" when I see this nonsense. Retarded Tingles are basically when you feel completely embarrassed and sympathetic for what the person must be going through in other people's eyes. It's like watching Tom Selleck wearing a mini-skirt and playing in traffic... Can you really look away? You might experience the Retarded Tingles when you hear someone forget the words of the Star Spangled Banner during a major playoff game. I experience it when I see someone type words on a computer like they were raised by a 13 year old Asian kid with way too many video games.

Just sayin' -T


ps. And yes, that is a picture of me getting the Retarded Tingles

Clause #101 - There Could Be a Major U.S. Highway In Between Her +2's [or] You Could Park a '79 Cadillac Inside Her Cleavage

Sorry folks, been a little busy lately. Here's the latest entry:

What's up with the terrible boob jobs in Vegas?.... No wait, that's the wrong question: What's up with the terrible boob jobs EVERYWHERE? It's like every time I turn around and I see some wide-shouldered woman with 3 inches between her +2's, I go a big rubbery one. High, low, wide... it's all the same. Are the doctors on drugs? I had to investigate...

It turns out ANY doctor can perform what we would call a plastic surgery procedure. What people aren't looking for, is to see if these quacks are board certified or not. Why is it so important to have a board-certified surgeon? Because legally any doctor is permitted to do any procedure -- a psychiatrist could do a breast augmentation. If you use a board-certified plastic surgeon, you know he or she has completed three to five years of training in general surgery and a minimum of two to three years of training in plastic surgery, plus they have to take written and oral tests.

That being said, I'll never forget what a friend of mine said about +2's one day.... "Anyone can have them." And he's right. I realized this when a certain transvestite I know got DD's. The sad thing is that "his"(1) +2's looked better than some of the women I've seen walking around Vegas lately. Now let me clarify since that must have sounded borderline homosexual: The quality of "his"(1) plastic surgery was obviously higher than some of the girls I've seen recently.

Even if you see a chick with decent +2's, just think: You could have some just like it, so they're not that special. This is quite the conundrum since I consider myself a "T Man"(2). +2's just aren't for me. They're hard. They look like aliens on your chest. You'll probably get a bad doctor 90% of the time (or so it seems). Even if you get an experienced, board certified doctor, he could have a drug problem, or maybe just a bad day. So what's so lucrative about them? Why would women want to roll the dice like that on the one and only body they'll ever have? You tell me.

So the next time you see a woman with railroad territory in between her aliens aka +2's, tell her to put a vice on those things.

Just sayin' -T

(1) I never know how to refer to trannies. Him, her... who cares, right?
(2) "T Man" would basically mean I prefer cleavage over other things

picture credit: www.thedirty.com

Clauses #112 - She Has Bad Teeth... Like, Really Bad

Now most of you reading this probably aren't as despicable as I am. I promise you though, all the things I'll say in this entry is the sole responsibility of my tainted brain. You see, my brain makes me do things, or rather notice things and is not able to put those things to rest. Say for instance, terrible teeth. You all know what I'm talking about: the person that covers their mouth when they smile, or maybe someone who doesn't smile at all. I suppose the most annoying thing about these people with terrible teeth is the fact that it could all be fixed for them for a nominal fee... nominal in comparison with the amount of ridicule of course.

Now of course this clause excludes the underprivileged. That being said, the next time you interact with a person with a GRILL, you can mention it to your friends without hurting anyone's feelings.

Just Sayin' -T

The Boob Test

Not a clause of life, but a great rule of thumb..





























Just sayin' -T

Clause #727 - She Prides Herself on Being Sexually Experienced in Dimly Lit Places

Now this Clause usually takes place when she is turned on to you, not vica versa. That being said, you can tell she's a little slutty. You probably don't have much going on at this point with women if you're giving in to what this could be. All gut feelings set aside, you willingly accede to her flirting and maybe she asks to see you sometime.

So maybe you're out having a drink or two at a quiet spot on the wrong side of town (LOL!), and you can tell she's into you. I should also add that she's not ugly at all, just a bit "sluttish" or maybe "experienced". She might talk completely normal but slip in something like, "I'm not tryn'ta do that" or "stop trippin". Please understand that these are clear warning signs: God's little hints of grace and love that basically say, "May-day, May-day. Son, get the hell out of there.". But not stubborn me. Unfortunately, the only hints I take are blunt blows to the face. So we're knee deep in conversation and we're talking about relationships, boys and girls, etc. and things are going alright. I'm starting to actually retract my previous stereotypes and believe that this girl is the diamond in the rough of her kind (see Clause #47).
So the night is winding down and the candles are about to go out, and I'm thinking about a glorious night sleep on my bed. She gets the hint that I'm ready to leave so she starts talking sex. She leans over and mentions things she could do to me that must be illegal in the state of Arkansas and I'm thinking, "What kinda crap did I give off to deserve this?". So she's whispering and my stomach is turning. But a small part of me is like... hey, could be fun!

I end things by giving in to my better judgment and telling her this just isn't for me. As nice as she was, I wasn't interested in taking things to that level with her. Friends with benefits are cool if it's with the right person... this was just too easy, and she wasn't really my type anyways.

So take the warning signs friends. If she seems "experienced" in the beginning, you'll probably be regretting it later... or maybe not!

Just Sayin' -T

Random Email Traffic from Today

Sorry guys, I know this isn't necessarily Man Clause related, but I had to post this.


Seriously Mistaken:

Hey- I'm just curious why you would tell one of my friends, _____, that you dated me and then not even say nice things about me???? The funny this is, I have never even hung out with you (not even as friends- let alone- dating!!!) so you don't even know me. I just thought it was really rude and I've never done or said anything bad about you so I don't know why you would lie and talk shit... This town is smaller than you think so please keep your mouth shut. Thanks!

_____

[Is this girl serious? Why would I ever say anything like that? Deep breath... in... out. Okay, be nice Tyler.]

Me:


Sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about. I never said anything of the sort.

[Just a basic, please end this now. I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm still going to let you live, ok?... We'll see]

Seriously Mistaken:

So you're telling me that she is lying to me??? Highly doubtful. I've known her for like 3 yrs and she has never lied to me. Whether it's true or not- I don't want to hear it again please. Thanks.

[Well after this I had to light her up. It's funny how people can keep going and expect me to be able to control what people gossip about]

Me:

I don't appreciate your tone. Please re-evaluate your source before you decide to come after me with offensive profanity, because I do not appreciate it.

Anyone who knows me knows that 1. I would never date a girl like you (no offense) and 2. That I would never SAY I did something that never took place. It's laughable.

I've deleted you off my friends list so it won't be so tempting for you to send me more harassing messages. Please stop.

*BLOCK*


Whattttttttttt!!! Another cocktail waitress bites the dust and Tyler wins again!

Just sayin' -T

Clause #51 - She's a Flake (aka Flakasaurus Rex)

Living in Las Vegas affords me many opportunities to enact this clause at any given moment. The girls here are known for this, so it's expected. Just to put it in perspective, on any given night you might here the word "flake" more than the words "and", "the", and "about". Seriously, it's that common. That being said, allow me to express my extreme distaste for flakedom. If you're a flake then you're the scourge of society. Your word means absolutely nothing, and all we have is our word, right? Wrong. Flakes don't care about their words. They rely completely on 1. Being so dang hot that people let it slide, 2. The general myst that surrounds Las Vegas that somehow has an understood taste for flakedom, and 3. A complete lack of morals because real people don't get away with this anywhere else for long.

So let me tell you about "Joann"...

I liked Joann from the day I met her. She seemed completely fun, really outgoing, and self sufficient. We met randomly at a DJ gig I had with a friend. It turned out that she had a boyfriend at the time. Anyways, to make a long story short, she must've got out of that relationship because we somehow started talking. But it was weird, because when two people are supposedly interested in each other, they're supposed to see each other IRL (in real life), right? Well that wasn't the case here.

Before I tell you this next portion, allow me to tell you a little about myself. I consider myself a reasonable person. I've been blessed to be somewhat successful in my ventures on this Earth. Part of that is getting lucky, but mostly it came from hard work. I like things like hiking, drinking, DJing, going to the pool, etc... completely normal, right? Yes, I think so. I have never been called a psycho, stalker, or anything of the like. If I was to ever get the cold shoulder from a girl, then I can take a hint and move along... no problem. Capish?

Unfortunately, I really liked Joann. She kept stringing me out though. Has anyone ever dealt with this but me? She would text, "Hey let's hang out tonight!" and I would text her back something like, "Ok when?". Then I wouldn't get an answer back until like 3am with something like, "Oh hey sorry I never got back to you. I'm tired and going home." So this went on for like 2 months, and in the meantime I like hardly acknowledge her. Basically I chalked her up to good intentions with flakish tendencies. Why do we always give crappy people like this the benefit of the doubt? That has to be part of the problem. So to continue the story, Joann ends up asking me out on a date-thing and we go out to dinner, have some drinks, and then meet up with some people we mutually know for more drinks. It turned out to be a pretty great night... but then it's back to the text game. I thought we made some head-way, but i guess not. In the end, I want my $200 that I spent on her back.

Clause #51 is really easy to use in a conversation. The best thing is, you can tell your friends that you know the chick is a Flakasuarus Rex without her even knowing. Cool huh? I thought so.

Just Sayin' -T


UPDATE:

This was just received from the guilty party:

Jul 11, 2008 1:45 PM

i never thought you'd call me out to be a crappy person but you did and i'm not all that surprised. and, $200? c'mon. you did not spend that much on me.
flattered that you'd use me as an example to your thesis, but i dont see myself any different than what you do and the games that you play ;)


RESPONSE:

____,

Flattered you read my blog, really. In response, I'd like to say a few things:

1. Lucky for us, there is only two people on the planet that know who I'm referring to in these short stories. Actually it's not luck at all. I am just that classy not to say names.

2. Unfortunately my content has to be about SOMETHING. Sorry! Go figure.

3. I hope you would never put me in the same category as your flakedom and games, as you referred to in your comment to me. There is no comparison, and I have always tried to do right by you.

In the end, I'm glad you got to see my side of the story. Perhaps you could use it as fuel to change? Your choice.

Take Care,

Tyler


Actually saw something in that one, but it looks as though another one is biting the Vegas dust. Also, I checked back on my old credit card statements, and in total I spent $212.46... Guess I was being conservative. -T

Clause #133 - She Wants to Know the Status of the Relationship on Day 2

I know we've all run into this as guys... and by guys, I mean men that aren't normally scared of commitment (so don't even go there). It happens to the best of us, and by that I mean to ladies too. But what's the deal with girls who want to talk about where the relationship(1) is going on the day you actually hung out for the first time? I consider myself to be a pretty understanding person. I also enjoy long walks on the beach, but why do women jump for cling-on status so fast? Keep it casual ladies, or you'll scare a man off so fast you'll feel your head spin because of the sheer briskness of his rate of movement away from your general direction.

Some things you should have experienced or know about a person before you want to talk about the status of the "relationship"(1):

1. The man's last name.

2. You should have visited their place of residence at least once. If this was a random hookup, then the first time doesn't count. Duhhh.

3. What kind of car he drives... which is not necessarily important to any degree, but it is a great general idea that you know something about him.

4. What he does for a living... also not important, but still important. (see #3)

This comes from a personal experience: I met a certain girl from a friend. Let's just call her "Jane" for the sake of anonymity. Jane was totally a nice girl, a little organic for my taste, but we were having fun, right? We went out drinking in a group setting and had a great time. The next day Jane wanted to talk. And by talk I mean spend more time on the phone deciphering our time together than the actual time we spent together. She struck me as confused... maybe I gave off the wrong signals? Who knows- it wouldn't have been the first time. So for that reason, I stayed on the phone with her and talked it out. After hanging up, I remember feeling like I hadn't accomplished anything. What a waste.

So what's the big deal?! Take your time, enjoy the person. Also enjoy Clause #133 as much as we do.

Just Sayin' -T

(1) By the word relationship I mean Webster's version, which is [a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings]. I do not mean to imply there is any sort of committed status anywhere therein.