Thursday, July 10, 2008

Clause #531 - The F.O.B.

It is a commonly known fact that white guys like Asian girls, or perhaps don't mind them. Given, there are many different types of Asians: crazians, gaysians, diversificasians, amazians, etc. (1) They are usually very family oriented and brought up with real values. They have great skin, and most don't talk much. Some can be very beautiful, and some can haunt your dreams. I suppose it's the same for every race. However, Asian women are usually smarter than white girls (which I happen to like), and they also have a unique sense of independence that can only come from learning from their family member's stories of oppressed freedom. That is honorable.

That being said, I think now would be an appropriate time to mention the acronym, F.O.B.
Exhibit A: F.O.B. = Fresh Off the Boat
You might have heard this term before if you live anywhere near the west coast where, naturally, most of the boats land. You could have a person in mind while you're reading this entry that could possibly fit into this category. They probably weren't born in America. They speak their native language fluently and so do all their friends. They don't have many non-Asian friends, and they've always made really good grades in school. They canNOT dance and when they do try to speak English, they make everything plural.

I've dated Asian girls far and wide. If I had an exact number, that would be something. For the sake of the article, let's just say I have pertinent experience. It's safe to assume that during a drunken night meeting someone new, their degree of FOBness can often go undetected. I like to call these Undercover FOBs. These are the tricky ones. You might be on that exact level of an alcohol buzz that you just can't put your finger on it (I think it goes without saying that I like to be slightly intoxicated before I attempt to go out amongst any amount of people). They might have a strong accent or perhaps never make eye contact. What's up with that by the way? Humor me as I describe to you some of very traits in which FOBs are to be noticed that are generally seen as an abomination to white men or people in the West in general.

1. Terrible, Terrible Breath: Now this could be because they ate radishes, seaweed, and fish innards all day instead of my amazingly well made Capriotti's cold cut submarine sandwich. Perhaps they have different hygiene habits on the East side of the world. Wait, do they even have toothbrushes? All I know is that every time I go to the Vietnamese place to get some Pho, I am blown away and utterly disgusted by my waiter's kickin' breath. Yes, you're four feet away. And yes, I can still smell you. And for the girls: Why do you try to kiss someone with breath that contains a higher octane than most premium gasoline? It's not polite and I will not stand for it any longer.

2. Makeup: There's always one thing they forget in their makeup repertoire. I recently got out of a "thing" with a girl who's lips were always chapped. What's the deal? I know we live in the Mojave Desert, but they make stuff for that. It's not the 1800's where you have to go skin a whale for enough blubber to moisten your face for the next season. It's called chap-stick and you need to find out about it. And what's up with the drawn in eye brows? You're ASIAN, it's expected that you don't have eyebrows. It's not like you're deficient. We know to not expect them, so don't draw them in. Your face is not a coloring book and even if it was, you're coloring outside of the lines.

3. Conversation: Now this one goes for any race. Obviously it's hard to understand someone who can't speaka ingles very well, or has only been here for a short time. Granted, you're at least trying to learn. That's more than what some people are doing. But really, don't try to date a white guy. Because you surely don't know my mannerisms and you definitely don't know my language. I refuse to give you hand signals and pretend that you're Helen Keller.

4. You're the First White Guy She's Ever Dated: MAY-DAY, MAY-DAY. This one's the kicker and it comes from personal experience. You see, I just got out of a thing with a chick who was the sweetest ever, but talking to her was like talking to a brick wall. Nothing clicked. I got more reaction out of having a conversation with my bulldog. I have deduced this is because she was an Undercover FOB. There's nothing wrong with her, but she should not date white guys. Stick to the Koreans. Maybe if they get fed up with you enough, they'll nuke that ass (which is a bit more than I'm willing to do).

5. The More She Drinks, The Dumber She Gets: Is there something in the (Asian) alcohol that is causing this? Is there a gene that ignites a chemical reaction that is only existent in FOBs? I swear that by every drink, her brain cells decrease exponentially and somehow regenerate in the morning. What happened to being the smart race?? I'll never forget the time I had to tell a LOCAL LAS VEGAN girl how to get to LAS VEGAS BLVD (where I live). WHAT IS GOING ON? (2)

I rest my case. If you can't identify them by now, there is no hope. Stay out of Chinatown and don't try that funny looking sauce.

Just Sayin' -T

To all my Asian friends, this doesn't apply to you. Because if you are my friend, then you aren't a FOB. That goes without sayin. -T

(1): Source:
(2): Don't drive drunk, kids.


Anonymous said...

On a technical note, F.O.B. stands for "Fresh Of the Boat"; refers to immigrants who once came to America by boat. In its general sense, it may be applied to any immigrant; but recently, there seems to be a consensus to apply it only to Asian immigrants. On the West coast it is pretty much the exclusive meaning.

I have heard F.O.B. also used for Cuban refugees in Florida, as well as for Dominicans.

Also, in Texas, F.O.B. stands for "Fresh Over the Border", and they often have similar characteristics of bad breath, with a slight jalapeƱo twist.

creativity is for wussies said...

this is cute. but i think you need to do better research...just an idea. btw, i'm the girl in the youtube video you posted. im glad you found my impersonation the epitome of FOB :)

Tyler Q. said...

Nice to meet you, but we don't care what you think:)