Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Clause #7 The "Vegas" Girl

Let me preface by stating that the following post, in addition to enlightening our readers about manclauses, will also serve as my introduction as the newest author to this blog. Having said that, the chosen title for this post does not reflect every woman that lives in Las Vegas. On the contrary, during my years here I've met women from all different backgrounds. Las Vegas has become a melting pot over the years and I love its growing diversity. When it comes to women I choose to date I don't have what most people refer to as a "type" or "style." I don't look for blonde or brunette, light or dark, short or tall. As far as I'm concerned, you're hot or you're not. I joke around with this saying but never the less it's true, I'm an equal opportunity employer. And during my survey of the women in Las Vegas I've come across a new sub specie of woman as unique as the city in which she resides. I'm talking about the "Vegas" girl.

I also need to clarify some things about myself. I have spent a significant amount of my adult life traveling this country. I recently began a rewarding career in education. However, before the ball and chain consequences of the 9 to 5 took effect on my life, I was working random jobs, living off of savings, and quite frankly going and doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. Although my "headquarters" is here in Las Vegas, it was quite common for me to go live for months at a time with friends all over, from Hawaii to South Beach and various locations in between. I mention all of this because I want the readers to know that I've dated women all over this country, and from all walks of life. And in the process I've been able to establish a personal foundation upon which I may, more accurately, asses compatibility. Ipso facto, I know what the hell I'm talking about! I know this sounds strikingly similar to Ben Stiller's "Calculated Risk Program" from the movie "Along Came Polly." And I realize you may also think this is overkill, however, as I get older I can't help but become more particular, or selective if you will, and I will, about who I date, (those words sound better than picky). And let me be clear about another detail. When I say dating, I'm implying a serious relationship is taking place. I realize there are places in this country where dating is considered to be a revolving door of women and one night stands. I however, do not consider a few nights of small talk, dinner, and an occasional drunken/sober roll in the hay, to be dating. Go ahead and call it "old school" but I prefer getting to know the upstairs before the downstairs.

I'm going to be honest, I'm writing this post in part because I am feeling a little jaded about my dating experiences recently here in Las Vegas. Since I officially moved here in 2000, I've dated 2 women that live here. The rest have lived in places ranging from California to Florida. Why is that? How come it's so difficult to find a woman here in Las Vegas? The honest truth is that if I knew, I probably wouldn't be writing this! So the best I can do is describe what it's been like for me, and hopefully shed some light on the "Vegas" girl. Keep in mind that I'll be sticking with manclause tradition by using my actual experiences to illustrate my point. Let the outline begin.

Education. Or as I like to call it, Round 1. "DING!" I figure I should start where most "Vegas" girls fall short. Usually after round 1, they are KO'ed. After all I am a educator and I know what this town is up against. Nevada is second to last in national test scores and look no further for proof than the "Vegas" girl. Now Las Vegas is what you call an service industry town. Most jobs in the Casinos require menial labor and don't require much education. And let's give some credit (or blame) for the high level of uneducated people of Las Vegas to the Casinos. These executives aren't dumb, these Casinos aren't building themselves! These guys want their employees uneducated (for financial reasons obviously) and so goes the Bible, "ask and ye shall receive." And it's hard to blame the kids who drop out of school. Hell, they can make more money than me in tips alone! And to be fair, if there was ever a place where you didn't need an education to make it, it's Las Vegas. But let me get back to the point, I understand that people can succeed without an education, it happens. However as far as I'm concerned, if you don't have the discipline to graduate from high school, what do you plan to do if Las Vegas doesn't work out? And that brings us to round 2.

Image. "DING!" The "Vegas" girl is convinced that she can replace her lack of intelligence with her looks. In Las Vegas this can work. There are several options the "Vegas" girl has when it comes to employment. Most of which are in the entertainment/nightlife department. As a result of working in such a department, the "Vegas" girl is more susceptible to the vices of drugs and alcohol. Which is not necessarily the deal breaker unless she is 0.01% insane in addition to those substances, then we have problems! Now, as a single man I've frequented this department, on the proverbial prowl. And while prowling I met "Jessica." "Jessica" immediately passed my "appearance" test (appearance sounds much better than looks) which isn't very easy, remember I'm picky. We exchanged information and shortly thereafter she called and wanted to go to the Bodies exhibit. When she said that I though to myself, self...., this girl's "hot-stock" just went up. I was truly surprised and at the same time exited at the thought that she could actually be spotted on the intelligence radar. But alas, it was too good to be true. Shortly after we went back to her "department," where the alcohol mixed with (what I assumed was a normal) personality. She agreed to let me take her car from the club that night to drop off some friends. When I returned she had called the cops on me in a drunken rage claiming I stole her car! 0.01% insane? I think so. Safe to say (referring to manclause #69) we never saw each other again. That brings me to my next point, the complex makings of the "Vegas" girl.

Goals. "DING!" The "Vegas" girl is actually very easy to spot. Chances are that the "Vegas" girl was once upon a time, the brace-faced, flat chested, insecure girl who is now cashing in on newly discovered attention. The kind of attention that only a flattering Casino/club uniform can deliver. The "Vegas" girl doesn't stop at the uniform however. If some is good, more is better. And by more I mean a new hair style, wardrobe, make-up collection, and who can ignore the effect of physical alterations? Now the "Vegas" girl is ready for success. So what exactly is success for the "Vegas" girl? That all depends on her age. You see, all "Vegas" girls are in a race against time. A race that can never be won, simply a window of opportunity that gets smaller with each passing day. Consider the "Vegas" girl to be a modern day Cinderella, desperately hoping to find her "Prince Charming" before the clock strikes 12 on her youthful beauty. The younger the "Vegas" girl, the less concerned she is about the "time," hence she considers success to be getting attention and praise from those who otherwise wouldn't give her the time of day. As the age increases, so does the desperation and consequentially her standards start to fall faster than President Bush's approval rating. Success for these "Vegas" girls is measured in dollar signs and trips around the world, usually provided by rich, tourist schmucks that the "Vegas" girl meets while flirting extra hard. Ultimately the "Vegas" girl, in her waning moments, has become so hopeless that she only concerns herself with two things. The size of a man's wallet and the size of something else, either will suffice at this point. For proof, look no further than "Karen." I met "Karen" a few years back. "Karen" at that point in time was a model from South America. A gorgeous woman, but old in model years. To stay with our Cinderella theme, let's just say she had already lost the glass slipper. "Karen" could no longer compete with the younger girls for the more prestigious jobs in the industry, and as a result she had succumbed to doing promotions. Simple jobs such as handing out bottles of beer while wearing ridiculous costumes. Now I understand that bills need to be paid, but "Karen" didn't have to settle for that life, but she had fallen victim to the "Vegas" girl lifestyle and she couldn't break out. We were hanging out one night when she was approached by a man who looked like Borat's friend. The fact that he was short, fat, and unusually hairy didn't even register with her. She was invited to join his table. She insisted that I accompany her, so I did and we enjoyed ourselves. And as the night went on it was obvious this man and his friends (probably from Kazakhstan) had money. And as I found out later, her night ended in a hotel room, with several Borat look-a-likes and a hair brush! Don't ask.

The moral of the story is this, I understand that a woman's gotta do what she's gotta do. Just be up front and honest about it. Because let's be real, Las Vegas is where people go to pretend they're something that they're not, have a good time, and return to their otherwise boring lives. The "Vegas" girl is the perfect match for such an objective. All I'm saying is that after my experiences with the "Vegas" girls, I prefer the ugly step sister after all is said and done.

Just sayin,



Anonymous said...

Great introductory contribution. Described the Vegas girl to a "T". Pun intended. All hail the mecca for the uneducated, falsely presented, and physically altered!

Tyler Q. said...

Great job, Coach. Uneducation is the root of all evil.

Just Sayin'