Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Clause #29 - The Armpit Vagina

What's up with the abnormally high ratio of people with armpit vaginas to people without armpit vaginas? Is there some kind of disease going around that I don't know about? Perhaps it's like an Anthrax through the mail thing: You open up that birthday card that you thought was from your grandmother, take one sniff, and BLAM-O, you have an armpit vagina. Or maybe it's through all the bottled water we drink here in America. The brand Aquafina is just processed city water anyways. Perhaps they forgot to add the chemical that kills the armpit vagina virus. Or maybe someone that works for Pepsi (makers of Aquafina) decided it would be funny to add the virus to the water right before it was bottled, thus to remain undetected.

All jokes aside, I have deduced that armpit vaginas come from three things: genetics, age, and that little thing called the body mass index, or BMI.
Genetics: I'll mark the first one off as tragedy. There's basically nothing you can do about it. It's extra skin, and you're probably a nice girl. Your grandmother has it. Your mother has it. And you'll probably give it to your kids if you decide to reproduce. Perhaps you should rethink that?
Moving along...
Age: Now this one goes without saying. Obviously with a higher age, your skin loses it's resiliency. You have finally found the one thing that you can't cover up with makeup. Sorry, but true. I will say this: Getting older is ok. However, I probably wouldn't notice you as much if you and your cougar friends didn't hang out at all the same places me and my attractive young friends did. (Just sayin')
Saving the best for last...
The BMI: Please understand that 95% of this article is directed towards you. Besides uncontrollable conditions i.e. pituitary diseases, eating disorders, and the like, I'd like to come out and say that you are part of the problem. Armpit vaginas are the direct result of your crappy lifestyle. Not only do you stay completely inactive and lazy, but you decide that everyone is better off knowing about it when you decide to wear that pink halter top out with your friends. You have a complete disregard for my well being when I'm eating dinner at a nice restaurant and you come walking by with that insanely large quantity of skin and fat smushed up into an extremely small area. I can even see the hair stubble inside your vagina lit up with cheap white deodorant, because you didn't care enough to shave before you left the house either.
One piece of advice I will give freely to those with armpit vaginas, so that they may not infect the world any longer... okay, maybe two:

1. Work out. Go the gym. Jog. Whatever you can do to get that heart rate up and burn calories can only be beneficial to your situation. On the contrary, sitting on your fat ass and watching terrible public television drama shows while eating an entire bag of Lays will NOT be beneficial.

2. Consider plastic surgery. Now I normally do not condone plastic surgery, so listen closely. If you are a completely normal person with bad genetics, this small operation could be the right choice. Always check the doctor out to make sure he's a licensed Plastic Surgeon (read Clause#101 for more tips on finding a good doctor). If , however, you have a armpit vagina because you are old, then you should NOT get surgery. It's completely elective, and not exactly beneficial to your health. Bottom line: I shouldn't see it anyways. Keep your ass out of the bars, or I'm going to have to call your husband whose name is Bubba. Capish?!

For those of you that have friends with this problem, I think it might be time for an intervention. Friends don't let friends walk around with armpit vaginas. At least I wouldn't.

Just sayin' -T

ps. We love your feedback. Keep it comin'. -T


elaine said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

That's so mean! I have always had armpit fat and wish I didn't have it. I work out 4 times a week - both weights and cardio. I run 7km every time I'm at the gym. On my days off I still stay active and usually skate. My BMI is at a lower range, my arms and legs and stomache are toned, but I still have armpit fat. Yes, blame it on genetics but my mom doesn't have it. Maybe it's from the women on my dad's side. Damn them!

I get that this is supposed to be funny, but as much as I'd rather not have armpit fat, I would never opt få lyposuction. I think it's part of working out your psyche in being confident in who you are as long as you are leading an active lifestyle and being healthy.

-From the toned girl with armpit vaginas