Clauses #112 - She Has Bad Teeth... Like, Really Bad

Now most of you reading this probably aren't as despicable as I am. I promise you though, all the things I'll say in this entry is the sole responsibility of my tainted brain. You see, my brain makes me do things, or rather notice things and is not able to put those things to rest. Say for instance, terrible teeth. You all know what I'm talking about: the person that covers their mouth when they smile, or maybe someone who doesn't smile at all. I suppose the most annoying thing about these people with terrible teeth is the fact that it could all be fixed for them for a nominal fee... nominal in comparison with the amount of ridicule of course.

Now of course this clause excludes the underprivileged. That being said, the next time you interact with a person with a GRILL, you can mention it to your friends without hurting anyone's feelings.

Just Sayin' -T

The Boob Test

Not a clause of life, but a great rule of thumb..





























Just sayin' -T

Clause #727 - She Prides Herself on Being Sexually Experienced in Dimly Lit Places

Now this Clause usually takes place when she is turned on to you, not vica versa. That being said, you can tell she's a little slutty. You probably don't have much going on at this point with women if you're giving in to what this could be. All gut feelings set aside, you willingly accede to her flirting and maybe she asks to see you sometime.

So maybe you're out having a drink or two at a quiet spot on the wrong side of town (LOL!), and you can tell she's into you. I should also add that she's not ugly at all, just a bit "sluttish" or maybe "experienced". She might talk completely normal but slip in something like, "I'm not tryn'ta do that" or "stop trippin". Please understand that these are clear warning signs: God's little hints of grace and love that basically say, "May-day, May-day. Son, get the hell out of there.". But not stubborn me. Unfortunately, the only hints I take are blunt blows to the face. So we're knee deep in conversation and we're talking about relationships, boys and girls, etc. and things are going alright. I'm starting to actually retract my previous stereotypes and believe that this girl is the diamond in the rough of her kind (see Clause #47).
So the night is winding down and the candles are about to go out, and I'm thinking about a glorious night sleep on my bed. She gets the hint that I'm ready to leave so she starts talking sex. She leans over and mentions things she could do to me that must be illegal in the state of Arkansas and I'm thinking, "What kinda crap did I give off to deserve this?". So she's whispering and my stomach is turning. But a small part of me is like... hey, could be fun!

I end things by giving in to my better judgment and telling her this just isn't for me. As nice as she was, I wasn't interested in taking things to that level with her. Friends with benefits are cool if it's with the right person... this was just too easy, and she wasn't really my type anyways.

So take the warning signs friends. If she seems "experienced" in the beginning, you'll probably be regretting it later... or maybe not!

Just Sayin' -T

Random Email Traffic from Today

Sorry guys, I know this isn't necessarily Man Clause related, but I had to post this.


Seriously Mistaken:

Hey- I'm just curious why you would tell one of my friends, _____, that you dated me and then not even say nice things about me???? The funny this is, I have never even hung out with you (not even as friends- let alone- dating!!!) so you don't even know me. I just thought it was really rude and I've never done or said anything bad about you so I don't know why you would lie and talk shit... This town is smaller than you think so please keep your mouth shut. Thanks!

_____

[Is this girl serious? Why would I ever say anything like that? Deep breath... in... out. Okay, be nice Tyler.]

Me:


Sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about. I never said anything of the sort.

[Just a basic, please end this now. I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm still going to let you live, ok?... We'll see]

Seriously Mistaken:

So you're telling me that she is lying to me??? Highly doubtful. I've known her for like 3 yrs and she has never lied to me. Whether it's true or not- I don't want to hear it again please. Thanks.

[Well after this I had to light her up. It's funny how people can keep going and expect me to be able to control what people gossip about]

Me:

I don't appreciate your tone. Please re-evaluate your source before you decide to come after me with offensive profanity, because I do not appreciate it.

Anyone who knows me knows that 1. I would never date a girl like you (no offense) and 2. That I would never SAY I did something that never took place. It's laughable.

I've deleted you off my friends list so it won't be so tempting for you to send me more harassing messages. Please stop.

*BLOCK*


Whattttttttttt!!! Another cocktail waitress bites the dust and Tyler wins again!

Just sayin' -T

Clause #51 - She's a Flake (aka Flakasaurus Rex)

Living in Las Vegas affords me many opportunities to enact this clause at any given moment. The girls here are known for this, so it's expected. Just to put it in perspective, on any given night you might here the word "flake" more than the words "and", "the", and "about". Seriously, it's that common. That being said, allow me to express my extreme distaste for flakedom. If you're a flake then you're the scourge of society. Your word means absolutely nothing, and all we have is our word, right? Wrong. Flakes don't care about their words. They rely completely on 1. Being so dang hot that people let it slide, 2. The general myst that surrounds Las Vegas that somehow has an understood taste for flakedom, and 3. A complete lack of morals because real people don't get away with this anywhere else for long.

So let me tell you about "Joann"...

I liked Joann from the day I met her. She seemed completely fun, really outgoing, and self sufficient. We met randomly at a DJ gig I had with a friend. It turned out that she had a boyfriend at the time. Anyways, to make a long story short, she must've got out of that relationship because we somehow started talking. But it was weird, because when two people are supposedly interested in each other, they're supposed to see each other IRL (in real life), right? Well that wasn't the case here.

Before I tell you this next portion, allow me to tell you a little about myself. I consider myself a reasonable person. I've been blessed to be somewhat successful in my ventures on this Earth. Part of that is getting lucky, but mostly it came from hard work. I like things like hiking, drinking, DJing, going to the pool, etc... completely normal, right? Yes, I think so. I have never been called a psycho, stalker, or anything of the like. If I was to ever get the cold shoulder from a girl, then I can take a hint and move along... no problem. Capish?

Unfortunately, I really liked Joann. She kept stringing me out though. Has anyone ever dealt with this but me? She would text, "Hey let's hang out tonight!" and I would text her back something like, "Ok when?". Then I wouldn't get an answer back until like 3am with something like, "Oh hey sorry I never got back to you. I'm tired and going home." So this went on for like 2 months, and in the meantime I like hardly acknowledge her. Basically I chalked her up to good intentions with flakish tendencies. Why do we always give crappy people like this the benefit of the doubt? That has to be part of the problem. So to continue the story, Joann ends up asking me out on a date-thing and we go out to dinner, have some drinks, and then meet up with some people we mutually know for more drinks. It turned out to be a pretty great night... but then it's back to the text game. I thought we made some head-way, but i guess not. In the end, I want my $200 that I spent on her back.

Clause #51 is really easy to use in a conversation. The best thing is, you can tell your friends that you know the chick is a Flakasuarus Rex without her even knowing. Cool huh? I thought so.

Just Sayin' -T


UPDATE:

This was just received from the guilty party:

Jul 11, 2008 1:45 PM

i never thought you'd call me out to be a crappy person but you did and i'm not all that surprised. and, $200? c'mon. you did not spend that much on me.
flattered that you'd use me as an example to your thesis, but i dont see myself any different than what you do and the games that you play ;)


RESPONSE:

____,

Flattered you read my blog, really. In response, I'd like to say a few things:

1. Lucky for us, there is only two people on the planet that know who I'm referring to in these short stories. Actually it's not luck at all. I am just that classy not to say names.

2. Unfortunately my content has to be about SOMETHING. Sorry! Go figure.

3. I hope you would never put me in the same category as your flakedom and games, as you referred to in your comment to me. There is no comparison, and I have always tried to do right by you.

In the end, I'm glad you got to see my side of the story. Perhaps you could use it as fuel to change? Your choice.

Take Care,

Tyler


Actually saw something in that one, but it looks as though another one is biting the Vegas dust. Also, I checked back on my old credit card statements, and in total I spent $212.46... Guess I was being conservative. -T

Clause #133 - She Wants to Know the Status of the Relationship on Day 2

I know we've all run into this as guys... and by guys, I mean men that aren't normally scared of commitment (so don't even go there). It happens to the best of us, and by that I mean to ladies too. But what's the deal with girls who want to talk about where the relationship(1) is going on the day you actually hung out for the first time? I consider myself to be a pretty understanding person. I also enjoy long walks on the beach, but why do women jump for cling-on status so fast? Keep it casual ladies, or you'll scare a man off so fast you'll feel your head spin because of the sheer briskness of his rate of movement away from your general direction.

Some things you should have experienced or know about a person before you want to talk about the status of the "relationship"(1):

1. The man's last name.

2. You should have visited their place of residence at least once. If this was a random hookup, then the first time doesn't count. Duhhh.

3. What kind of car he drives... which is not necessarily important to any degree, but it is a great general idea that you know something about him.

4. What he does for a living... also not important, but still important. (see #3)

This comes from a personal experience: I met a certain girl from a friend. Let's just call her "Jane" for the sake of anonymity. Jane was totally a nice girl, a little organic for my taste, but we were having fun, right? We went out drinking in a group setting and had a great time. The next day Jane wanted to talk. And by talk I mean spend more time on the phone deciphering our time together than the actual time we spent together. She struck me as confused... maybe I gave off the wrong signals? Who knows- it wouldn't have been the first time. So for that reason, I stayed on the phone with her and talked it out. After hanging up, I remember feeling like I hadn't accomplished anything. What a waste.

So what's the big deal?! Take your time, enjoy the person. Also enjoy Clause #133 as much as we do.

Just Sayin' -T

(1) By the word relationship I mean Webster's version, which is [a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings]. I do not mean to imply there is any sort of committed status anywhere therein.

Clause #677 - She's 0.01% Insane

This was a topic that came to being one night when we were talking about the crazy things women do. It's sad to say, but Americans are pretty dang forgiving. How many times in a month can we hear about a Paris Hilton sex video or Britney Spears being a terrible mother and just shrug it off and forget it? That being said, consider a mostly normal, rational woman that you might hang out with on a day to day basis. She's pretty cool right?... pretty fun? Oh, I'm sure she is, but shes AT LEAST 0.01% insane.


1. Case in point, I was dating this Asian chick in Orange County for like a month. Things didn't work out and I lost interest (1), and I kind of broke things off. TWO WEEKS later I discovered she's dating my "best" friend(2) while at the same time wanted to heal things back up with me. That's flippin' 0.01% insane.

2. So I'm sitting at some random after-hours bar and it's like 5:30am. I am intoxicated. All of a sudden this cute girl with amazing cleavage sits right next to me and wants to chat. We have a pretty great conversation until I mentioned something about how I didn't think people that don't pay taxes should get to vote. Don't ask me how we got to this topic of conversation at 5:30am in an after-hours bar, please. Anyways, she then gets up, looks me straight in the face, and slaps me... not like a big slap, but it surely didn't feel good. Right then, she walked out of my life and I sat there dumbfounded. Like I said, 0.01% insane.

Just sayin' -T

(1): This always happens.
(2): Immediately after I ended things with this chick, I found out some extra terrible and diabolical things that my so-called "best" friend had done. So needless to say, shortly after he was kicked to the curb as well.

Clause #69 - Nothing Gainful or Beneficial Ever Came from Going to a Strip Club

This clause comes from a close friend of ours who we'll just say likes strip clubs. It's quit an impossible certainty for us to understand. You see, our friend is basically on the straight and narrow: nicest guy you'd ever meet, goes to church, never messes around with girls, hardly uses profanity, etc. However, if there's ever a chance that we're bored and looking for something to do, he ALWAYS suggests Spearmint Rhino (the most famous strip club in Las Vegas).
Basically to understand this clause, you must understand why the strip club is never a host to a good time.

Here are some examples.

1. One time I was drugged with some type of upper - I'm guessing it was to make me spend more money... To make a long story short, it worked.

2. To avoid the constant flock of strippers pressuring me for a dance, I told them I was gay. This turned out to make my situation even worse. Every dancer in that place wanted to sit down with me and discuss topics such as: shopping for shoes, Perez Hilton, Hollywood gossip, and if the Mets were a football or a baseball team. I'd also like to add that you've never lived until you've experienced a real conversation with a coked out stripper.

3. VIP rooms: Never go into them if you're drunk. The seconds add up to serious $$$. I spent 5 songs (I think, but could've been longer) inside one, and had to pay $600. SERIOUSLY!?!

4. One time I got a little drunk and made out with a girl that my friend liked. I know this was MAJOR guy rule breakage and totally not my style. I'm a firm believer of there always being enough to go around, and I really screwed up that night. I'm guessing the sexual aura in the air was just too much. I say blame it on the alcohol though. Bottom line: if we weren't in a strip club, it wouldn't have happened.

Just sayin' -T

Clause #47 - I'm a Terrible Judge of Character

This clause is appropriate when speaking of "knowing" a certain individual. I'll have you know, that it's usually the most used clause considering I live in Las Vegas - the land of the fakes. I can think of twenty million stories of where this clause applies. So for our first (and most used) clause, try #47 on your friends when you're talking about really "knowing" someone through and through.

Person 1: Dude, did you know _____ used to sleep with all of her old bosses? She got the job by sleeping with _____ and she sleeps with _____ just to keep her job!

Tyler: No way, she's not even like that! I've known that girl for 1.5 years, but there is always Clause #47...


Just sayin' -T